Nope, I am not going to attempt the feminist version of Dumas's wonder-book. After all, where would The Three Musketeers be nowadays without those buff, yummy actors who lend life to Athos, Porthos, Aramis and D'Artagnan? No, no, it ain't broken, so I'm not fixin'.
I'd like to fix, however, whatever genius thought that making clothes that are supposed to "fit" everyone was a good idea. Frankly, I never heard something quite so stupid in my life. In the midst of a society that supposedly teaches us to celebrate diversity, the most horrible, sneaky, offensive, depressive thing has snuck upon us: The One Size Fits All Store.
This, of course, is not a new idea. In fact, it's been around for as long as I can remember. We've all seen the T-shirts, right? Nobody thought that was weird. But take a gander at this:
http://www.brandymelvilleusa.com/clothing.html
Go on, I'll wait for you.
Now take a look at it in real life.
https://www.buzzfeed.com/candacelowry/heres-what-one-size-fits-all-looks-like-on-all
Done? Okay. Are your eyes uncrossed yet? So... yeah, mine took a while, too. Exactly in WHAT planet is a teeny tiny baby tank supposed to fit a full-bodied young woman? When I say full-bodied, I am not referring to the Kristins of this Earth, or even to the Sheridans or the Candaces. In fact, I'm not talking about ANY of these girls, simply because there is no such thing as "average". I just mean someone who doesn't look like a stick insect. Like me. Like my friends. Like my relatives. Like every friggin' woman I see every day out in the streets.
Searching my mind, I know maybe two - three, tops - women who would actually look smashing in those outfits. One is model tall and thin, the other not so tall and quite skinny. Neither of them have boobs to speak of. And it begs the question (á la Carrie Bradshaw - men, google it): When did designers decide to rob women of their boobs? (And their hips, and their bums.)
It's certainly a mystery. I mean, they're there. We can't take them off to put on that really cute halter top, or that gorgeous strapless dress. We have to deal with them. Same goes for hips and butts. And, much as a lot of us would love it, they don't detach, even if it would improve the line of the dress, or the draping of the skirt.
But even more of a mystery are the why's. Why did designers choose to go down this path? Personally, I blame Twiggy. I also think they're lazy. If they don't have to deal with curves á la Marilyn Monroe or á la Sofia Loren, well, so much easier to do their job. What really disturbs me is WHY DID WE LET THEM?
Frankly, I find the whole thing ridiculous. Men love women with curves. In all my long living years, I have yet to meet a guy who prefers lemons to cantaloupes. Ironing boards to fluffy headrests. And I refer to both sides of the coin, if you get my meaning. (If you don't, I'm plain-out saying guys prefer big boobs and asses to flat chests and bony bums.) So, on the one hand, we have women trying to attract men as if their lives depended on it and, on the other, we have those same women trying to lose the very things that attract said men, sometimes hard enough that their lives actually DO hang on the balance, thanks to anorexia and bulimia. Whaaaaaaaaaaaa? Geez, I thought we were so smart and enlightened.
Personally, I miss the era when all clothing was made to order by a seamstress or a tailor. As a matter of fact, I miss it so much (whether I lived it or not is immaterial) that recently I decided to go back to it. Finally my clothes fit ME, not Giselle Bundchen or whatever stick insect is currently en vogue. I decide which style suits me better, not Calvin Klein (who is one of the worst offenders, to my view - try fitting a D cup in one of his bras, if you don't believe me). I decide which color is best for me, regardless of that Meryl Streep long-winded speech in The Devil Wears Prada (again, men, google it.)
Oddly enough, my idea isn't as harebrained as it might sound at first. After all, we have thousands upon thousands of young men and women graduating from design schools all over the world, and not all of them are going to "make the cut" as Heidi Klum so wittily puts it (yeeeeees, that was meant to be sarcastic). Why not search out all those kids and help them while we help ourselves?
In fact, this would work for men as well as women. After all, not every guy looks great in those four-button jackets so in fashion right now. Or those Italian-style pants that look like a load beat them to the john. Seriously, who thought that was attractive? Or those (shudder) European-style bathing suits? Really, gents, nobody wants to see the cord attachment to the batteries.
So take some action. Find a young woman or man who is still in school and let them dress you. I promise, you can afford it better than a store, and you'll look smashing.
